Why Do I Feel Like This?

from flickr, by slunchitze

I had a wonderful childhood full of love and support. I was taught about my Heavenly Father and how much he loved me from the start. I never questioned if I was loved or where I belonged in this world…Yet, the first time I remember feeling “uneasy” was when I was 8 years old. I just wanted to hide from the world, and had this unexplainable sinking feeling in my gut. I felt all alone and scared. That was the day I was baptized. I hid away from all the people who came to support me, and couldn’t figure out what was happening to me.

Nothing more happened until Jr. High. From there that “feeling” seemed to follow me everywhere I went. It influenced every decision I made. It made me feel worthless, and unintelligent. It made me feel ugly, and alone. On the outside I managed to keep it all together. No one knew the pain I was going through. I truly thought I was the only one who had ever felt this way.

Fast forward a few years to the birth of our first child. I was really sick through the entire pregnancy and that “feeling” was at its worst. She came 2 weeks early and was very sick. She spent 5 days in the NICU, and came home with lots of chords and medicines to keep her healthy. That first week was the longest of my life. This adorable, perfect, absolutely beautiful creature didn’t feel like mine. I felt so disconnected. I watched my husband with her and it was so beautiful. They connected instantly.

The next few weeks were a blur. I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything and was absolutely terrified of being left alone with her. I cried every single day. Why didn’t I feel like her mother? One night when she was about 6 weeks old my husband I got in a fight because he was so sick of doing everything on his own. He got up with her at night, he changed her diapers, he cleaned the house, and still went to work every day. I wish I could’ve told him what I was going though, but I couldn’t find the words, so I left. I got in the car and drove away.

I seriously considered ending my life. My husband panicked and called my mom to watch our daughter and found me basically comatose in a parking lot and took me home. The very next day was my 6 week check up, so my husband stayed home from work to make sure I talked about everything with my doctor. Very grudgingly I started talking anti-depressants.

Over the next couple of weeks I felt this fog lifting. I was able to see the beauty in everyday life. When Mara spit up all over the place, I was glad she could get her bubbles out. When she screamed because her tummy hurt, I knew she needed me to help her feel better. I was her mother. No one could take my place.
As I got further along in my recovery from post partum depression, I realized that what I had been experiencing my entire life truly was depression. I could finally see my life for what it was: something beautiful and inspired. I had a loving Heavenly Father who sent me here to experience these trials and become a better person.

Sometimes I let myself wonder, “why me?” But that gets me nowhere. I know that is Satan trying to influence me. I can’t let him win. As the fog lifted I was able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I could feel of their love for me, and their support as I experience this trial.
When I start feeling bad again I have to remind myself that everything has a purpose. This trial is here to teach me something. Most importantly, that Heavenly Father did not send me here without any resources to help me get through this. He has blessed us all with the Atonement, with prophets, with the scriptures, family, friends, the priesthood, modern day medicines, and so much more. He loves us. He wants us to succeed.

 
Brittani is the mother of the two cutest kids on the planet (ask anyone) and married to her childhood sweetheart. She is semi-obsessed with reading, and has a bunch of hobbies like quilting.

Divorce, Abuse and the LDS Woman

*Republished  by request and with permission. Original publication found here.

Divorce for any woman is hard, for an LDS woman there can be a couple more complications. The teachings of the Lord can soften our hearts to endure. I understand there are many reasons and excuses for divorce in present times. I have been divorced which seems to attract women considering the same option. I’ve been asked, “what should I do?” many times. My constant answer is to work it out. Don’t get divorced if you can help it, it sucks. Usually I follow that advice with... “but what do I know, I got divorced!” lol. Truth is, divorce is awful. I am grateful that I have been able to overcome my divorce, but it was not easy. I fell away from the Lord. Without the strength of a worthy priesthood holder in their lives, my children suffered as well.

I am remarried now and happy ;-) but the trail that led to my safe place was thorny and ambushed with pain. I align with the counsel of the Lord through general authorities in present times that divorce should not be an option unless there is abuse or infidelity.

For women who are enduring abuse, have Faith that the Lord is by your side. Recognize your Divine Nature - you are his daughter. Let your Individual Worth guide your choices and enhance your thoughts. Gain Knowledge of your situation and your options - its your Choice to be happy. Take it and be Accountable - your choices affect you as well as your posterity. Fill your heart with Good Works - they will increase your self esteem and bring you happiness and blessings. Allow your Integrity to shine through- no daughter of Heavenly Father deserves to endure abuse - don’t allow it. Your Virtue will guide you to remember these values and abide by them. Your Heavenly Father is there for you. He will guide and protect you if you let him. I have a personal testimony of this. Love yourself - you are great!

When you decide to begin the healing process from abuse or divorce, remember to keep close to the Lord, “*healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children.... the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

You will be tempted to “*undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust, create fear and generate feelings of despair” - don’t succumb. You have to believe you can resolve these, very real, but negative consequences. If you don’t, you will not recover. You will hear criticism, you will feel guilty, and you will hear gossip; absorb what you need and discard what you don't. Mature into thicker skin, it will help your journey.

The worst thing an abuse victim can do is feel sorry for themselves. Be brave; be strong, “fake it ‘til you make it” if you have to. If you really want to overcome abuse, you have to start believing you can overcome it and start working towards that goal. Don't waste time sulking. Trust me, you will regret it.

Make conscious efforts to build your worth. Assert your positive traits. Defend your significance with all your strength. It is part of the Lord’s plan that you understand the actions that are worthy of you as his daughter so that you can make choices that bring joy to your life. Not temporal enjoyment but true eternal happiness.
Inundate your thoughts with love, and forgiveness. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. “*Even when it may seem very difficult to pray, kneel and ask Heavenly Father to give you the capacity to trust Him and to feel His love for you.” Prayer in my darkest days was my brightest consolation. Never believe Satan’s lies that you are not worthy to pray. What earthly parent would deny their child a shoulder to cry on and not console them? So much more is His love that He will give you spiritual healing. Talk to Him with your heart. Pour out your thoughts and be honest. If you are mad tell Him. If you are sad tell Him. He is there, He will listen. Be humble, be childlike. You are His baby. I have learned this through my process.

This eternal truth was one that took me years to understand. Begin analyzing and pray that you may comprehend and accept this principle so that you may unravel diverted blame: “*It was Satan’s proposal that Father’s children be forced to obey, that there be no moral agency and therefore no personal growth. To preserve moral agency, the Lord does not restrain individuals from improper use of that agency. However, He will punish them for such acts unless there is full repentance. Through the Holy Ghost, He sends warning promptings to the abuser, but often that individual’s degrading appetite is so powerful that it blocks out that spiritual guidance. That is why our Father provided a way to heal the consequences of acts that, through force, misuse of authority, or fear of another, temporarily take away the agency of the abused.”

In the end, I remember talking to my good friend Irazema and listening and telling her, “Man this sucks, amiga. Don’t know what to say or how to fix it”. But as President Scott said, “…*there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it. (Richard G. Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse, April 2008)”

Time heals all things. The Lord knows this and in his plan to help us attain exaltation, patience is a key virtue. Stay strong. When you fall, because you will trip, dust off and get back on track. Keep your head up. Things will be alright.

Some practical, every day things that help:
Clinging to the counsel of the Lord
Prayer
Scripture Reading
If you have children, commit to being a great mother, search out ways to do this
Rediscover your family
Love your mom and dad
Serve Others
Good Support System
Counseling
Assertions
Goal Planning
Keeping busy
Stayin in holy places
Reading self help books
Writing in a journal (it is empowering to go back an read entries that help you gauge your progress.)

A book I loved:
"Surviving Domestic Violence" by Elaine Weiss

*Quotes by Richard G. Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse, April 2008

 
Flor has 3 children under the age of five, is 26 and just embarked on her second marriage. She loves her heritage, wants to go to Law School and own a business. She wants to share her story of overcoming abuse, domestic violence and staying strong. Visit her blog at http://FlorecitaGrowingUp.Com

A Story of Addiction

I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a wife dealing with my husband’s pornography addiction.

When I first found out I just sat there staring at the computer screen. My mind reeled as I took it all in. What did this mean? Surely it was just a mistake…but what if it isn’t? I can’t describe the pain I felt in my heart. Truly, it was breaking.

After I got over the shock I went into planning mode. What was I going to do? Did this mean divorce? Separation? Counseling at the very least? I informed my husband that we would be going to see the Bishop as soon as possible to sort things out. My husband very willingly made the appointment, and spent the ensuing days walking on eggshells.

Here I am thinking this is a big enough deal to even consider using the “D” word, as we walk into our Bishop’s office. As I sit there I am amazed to hear words like, “oh, it’s not that bad.” “It could be a lot worse” “I’m proud of you.” Did I really just hear the word proud? I was in complete shock. Our Bishop told my husband to keep on trying to do his best, feel free to partake of the sacrament and attend the temple, and then gave me a little nod and let me know how great it was that I was being supportive.

Five minutes later on the short walk home from the church I decided I had completely overreacted and that it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Fast forward almost 2 years later to a sketchy phone call from my bank about cancelling our cards because of some fraud use. Something just didn’t feel right about it. I knew the spirit was prompting me to do some checking out myself. Sure enough, that measly $2.38 that was suspicious was to a pornography site. My husband actually came to me before I could get to him and let me know what he had done. I packed my bags. How could I live with this? Didn’t he understand what he was doing to me? I had never felt uglier, more undesirable, or just plain slimy in my life. How come he didn’t love me enough? How come I wasn’t enough for him?

“Aside from abuse, I know of no other marital issue that affects the very soul of women more than pornography consumption by a spouse.” -Jill C. Manning, PhD, LMFT

That night was the longest night of my life. I yelled, and cried, and begged. I went through every emotion in the book, finally settling on numb. I called my aunt to let her know I would be there tomorrow with the kids and I didn’t know how long we would stay. It was the middle of winter, and a horrible storm was coming that night. She didn’t think that the 7 hour drive was a good idea, and started prodding about the reasoning behind the trip. I broke down and told her everything. She listened and gave words of encouragement. After I got it off my chest she said, “You know he is a good man. You know he loves you. You know he wants to be better. So you need to stay and figure things out.”

She was right. I owed it to myself to work on things, and that would be impossible from 7 hours away.

Again my husband willingly made the appointment to see the Bishop, and we said very little to each other through the day as we waited for our evening appointment. As I sat in the same Bishop’s office, I had a great confirmation from Heavenly Father letting me know that our Bishop is called of Him. That he knows what he is doing, that he loves us, and wants only the best for us, and that all counsel he would give us was truly from Heavenly Father.

This appointment was different than the last. Only because I made sure to stress to him just how serious our situation had become. Our poor Bishop had no idea what I was feeling the last time we talked because I didn’t tell him. As we discussed the situation, his advice was much the same only this time I knew he was right. My husband needed the sacrament and the temple to get through this. He really was doing “pretty good” compared to some other situations the Bishop made us aware of. What was different was the support he provided for me. He set up some counseling at LDS Family Services, and strongly encouraged us to attend the 12 step meetings provided through them as well. For my husband there was the group for the addicted, but for me there was the support group for the spouse of an addicted loved one.

I can’t express what this particular addiction did to my self-worth. As I sat in my first support group meeting I realized that I was surrounded by strong, courageous, beautiful women. All of whom were experiencing the same thing as me. Through these meetings I have come to understand who I am, and that my husband’s addiction has absolutely nothing to do with me. I have come to think of this trial as an opportunity to grow in ways I never thought possible. My relationship with my Heavenly Father is better than it’s ever been, and it’s only going to get better. I have come to truly believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ, and to know that I can find hope and healing.

Are things perfect now? No. Is my husband 100% recovered? No. Do I still have days that I feel utterly lost and hopeless? Yes. But those days are getting fewer and farther between as I come to understand the power of addiction, and the infinite beauty of the atonement.

Due to the sensitive nature of the subject and to protect their privacy, we are publishing this anonymously. However, she really feels that sharing this story is something she needs to do.

“I feel strongly that this is a story that needs to be told. When starting this journey I really thought I was alone so I was naturally very surprised to realize that I'm not. This is happening in more homes than we know. I heard that on average 11 families in each ward are dealing with pornography addiction, and the very sad part is that most of the wives in those homes are in the dark. This subject needs to find it's way to the light. Satan's greatest tool is keeping things hidden and secret, so I think one of the best things we can do to protect ourselves is to get it out in the open.”

For more information and statistics on pornography, visit this website.

For resources on combating pornography visit www.combatingpornography.org or call your local LDS Family Services to find a support group near you.

*Edited to Add. I came across this message and thought it was appropriate to include with this story. -Alicia