Tender Mercies of the Lord

This past summer I went through a very difficult time.  I was pregnant with our second child, and I waited until I was 12 weeks along to start telling my friends.  Every woman in my family has had at least one miscarriage, and I wanted to wait until I was “safe”.

Well, I started telling my friends on a Saturday morning, and on Sunday I started bleeding.  My first check-up was scheduled for that Monday, and there wasn’t anything they could do for me until I had my ultrasound.  I still remember the complete silence during the ultrasound, as the nurse checked for signs of a thriving life growing in my womb, and found none.  I was shocked, devastated, and overwhelmed. 

To make matters even more complicated, my husband had left two weeks earlier for a summer job half-away across the country.  I was supposed to leave that week on a road trip to meet him at his new job and then attend his sister’s wedding a few days later. 

That week was probably the most difficult of my life.  I was in and out of doctors offices for 3 or 4 days.  After a day in the hospital, I started a cross-country road trip with my mother and my two-year-old son.  Every day something went wrong.  One day I took my medicines on an empty stomach and ended up so sick that we were delayed 3 hours just waiting for me to get better.  One day I lost my wallet in the middle of Iowa.  One day my mother and I both had bad headaches and we had to stop driving early.  Every day was a roller-coaster of emotions and a serious test of my faith.

What I remember about that week more than anything else, though, is the series of miracles that got me through.  The first miracle came while I was scheduling my doctor’s appointment.  When I had called to schedule my appointment weeks earlier, the only person I knew at the entire hospital just “happened” to be answering the phones, which was not her usual job.  She was able to schedule me for my registration appointment and my ultrasound on the same day, only because she was my friend and she knew I was leaving town right after that.  Without the ultrasound, I could have been bleeding for days or weeks, and I could have had some pretty serious complications. 

The next miracle was that my mother flew into town at the very time I needed her.  My husband was out of town, I was an emotional wreck, and without my mother to watch my son and comfort me, I would have been completely broken.  I run a home day care and I’m very used to taking care of other people.  This time, I needed someone to take care of me, and Heavenly Father sent my mother.

Another miracle was all the generous love and support I found in my ward family during those few days.  A great many people came to my aid, and I will always remember their kindness to me.  Most importantly, they helped me make an important decision to have a simple surgery done that I wasn’t sure I needed.  A week later, while I was half-way across the country, the doctors office called to tell me that I had tested positive for abnormal cells, and if I hadn’t had the surgery, there was a chance that those cells would have grown into a tumor.

Yet another miracle came when I lost my wallet during my road trip.  We stopped at a restaurant for dinner, and we were on the phone trying to make arrangements to get me to my sister-in-laws wedding.  When I needed to look at my license, I realized my entire wallet was missing.  What a devastating moment!  I starting crying, told my husband that there just wasn’t any way I was going to make it to the wedding, and hung up the phone.  And yet, after a quick and heartfelt prayer, I remembered exactly where I had left my wallet.  And even though I had left it in a library which was closed for the weekend, someone had taken my wallet to the local police station.  Heavenly Father had preserved my wallet for me, had made sure that nothing bad had happened to it, and prepared a way for me to retrieve it and continue on my journey.

These are some of the most memorable moments of the week, although there are many more.  When I look back on it, I am filled with gratitude to my Father in Heaven.  I join with the prophet Nephi in sharing my testimony that “the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance”(1 Nephi 1: 20).  The Lord delivered me from disease, from guilt, from depression, and from many other things that week.  I know that I am a daughter of God, who loves me, and I love Him.

Jenni has a wonderful almost 3-year-old who keeps her very busy.  She runs a small home day care.  She loves to cook, read, sing, and learn new things.  Her husband is almost done with graduate school, and they are excited for new adventures in their future. 

The Race

I wrote this poem as I struggled to deal with the passing of my husband.

I had a true love once, and forever we’ll be one,
Now he is waiting for the race I must run,
Alone I stride through wind and storm and rain,
Each step filled with sorrow, each mile laced with pain.
Everyday I’m stronger; at least I used to think,
But now the burden’s heavy, it causes me to shrink.
I lean upon the savior; it’s the peace that gets me through,
In my head I chant, “I will go and do”
I focus on the kingdom, my Father and His love,
Through service of my fellow men, I’ll reach his courts above.
The uphill climb is scary, lonely and so steep,
Every time I fall “help me Father” I weep.
The cuts and bruises that now shape my very being,
Each has a painful story full of hurt and sting.
As the road winds on, slopes and hills alike,
I find myself thankful for the chance to take the hike.
For the body that sustains me, and song that gets me through,
For every day I have to spend becoming closer to you.
The cuts and bruises heal and quickly fade away,
Leaving scars of remembrance that I carry day to day.
All lessons from the path that will lead me to his grace,
He’ll hold me once again when I finish my race.

Teresa Malachowski Krolak

The Lord's Timing

After being married for about a year, my husband and I decided it was time to start our family. Just a few months later I was thrilled when my home pregnancy test came back positive! I immediately looked up everything I could find online about pregnancy and started perusing baby books at the stores. I fell in love with the little life growing within me.

But a few weeks into the pregnancy I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. My husband held me as I cried. The pregnancy email updates I forgot to cancel broke my heart. There was no more pregnancy! My friends tried to comfort me but did not know how to help. Even without giving birth I truly felt the loss of my child. The depression that set in was unbearable. What if I never became a mother?

Weeks passed and I struggled to overcome the emotional pain I felt. My mind recalled a time in college when I battled adversity. A wise friend had given me a hug and told me there was nothing better she could do than to leave me alone with my Savior. And with that she left me alone in the room. I prayed fervently and received profound strength.

Once again I desperately needed the comfort that comes only through the Spirit of God. I yearned to be alone with my Savior and feel His strength. Yet I hesitated. How could God or Jesus—both men—understand what a miscarriage felt like? How could they truly feel what I was feeling?

I posed that question to my Father in Heaven in a silent prayer. I continued in pouring out my heart full of sorrow. I pleaded for strength I did not know where to gain. And as I prayed, the thought came to me that of all people, our Father knows what it is like to lose a child. At least one-third part of His creations will not make it back. And beyond that deep pain He must feel for those that choose another way, I felt the Holy Ghost witness to my spirit that I was not alone in my pain. I came to know that in some way I cannot understand at this time, Jesus felt my pain. He knew what it was like for me to have a miscarriage. He knew what I was feeling exactly, and he could take that burden and make it light.

It took some more time but with the strength of the Lord I was able to endure that trial and continue toward happiness. A year later I was blessed with a baby girl. I now have two beautiful children. I know not everyone has such a happy ending and I am grateful every day for my Savior and his redeeming love.

"Cami is a happy military wife and mother to two sweet girls, ages one (today!) and nearly 3. She has lived in Texas, Utah, and California twice each. She enjoys taking her kids on daily outings and believes every lunch and dinner should end with chocolate."