You Know Better Than I-Part 3

Note: This is part 3 of a 3 part story. Find part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE.

A quote from President James E. Faust helped us to realize that there was a purpose in us going through the loss of that baby. We were strengthened more than we ever could have been if we hadn’t experienced it.

“Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner's fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process.”

“Out of the refiner's fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.”

It’s been just over a year, and I won’t lie…the year of “firsts” was probably the worst to go through. Knowing that soon she would be rolling over, sitting up, crawling and walking; wondering how she was doing, what her smile looked like and if she had gotten any more hair; thinking at every family get together (especially Christmas ‘09) that she should have been celebrating with us. Watching as my four siblings each delivered baby girls within the year, and thinking that we should have been first. But, with time, your heart does start to heal.

A few months ago I received a text from N wondering how we were doing. After texting back and forth for a little bit I asked if she would send me a photo of P because I wanted to see what she looked like now (she was 8 and half months at the time). I was sad, my heart hurt…but that is when I also realized I had started to heal. I could look at her photo and while my heart ached to be with her, I knew that she was where she belonged. I could start looking forward to the day when we would bring our own baby home and maybe, someday, our baby and P could meet. We have a good relationship with N still. It’s not a talk everyday or even every month sort of deal, but we love her and sometime down the road, when we feel that the healing is greater we will meet up with her and P for lunch and just hang out. That little girl may just never realize how many lives she has affected or how loved she really is.

Love is not a bad thing, and the more a child is loved, even from unexpected places like a family who has no relation to her at all, just goes to show that there are just special spirits in the world meant to change the lives of others. Birth parents say this often of the child they place. That the child had “changed” them and they want to live better lives. Well, P has changed us…her being born, her life, has single-handedly changed the life of our family in an amazing way. The “failed placement” was hard, and sometimes still is, but we know that it was something we needed to go through. It was our Refiner’s Fire. There is definitely Someone greater than us molding us into who we should become and showing us His plan.

" ‘For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.' "

"Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of our on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

We may not be able to see the outcome, but our Heavenly Father does, and everything we experience in this life is meant for our greater good. We hope to one day bring our little one home and say that “All is Well”.

Alicia has been married for 10 years (in August) to her high school sweetheart. They have 2 amazing little boys and have been in the adoption process for about 4 years, hoping that Heavenly Father will bless them with a little one soon. In her free time she loves to create; photography, art, woodworking...you name it and she'll try it at least once.